Today I am struggling...
-struggling not to freak out when MK runs to me this morning with a handful of poop that she collected from her diaper
-struggling not to compare my body, my home, my parenting to all the other "perfect" moms around me
-struggling with people pleasing when it comes to disciplining my daughter- I want her to like me, I don't want to be the strict mom even though I know discipline is critical
-lastly and most vulnerably, I am struggling with trusting God and his timing.
I am gone back and forth about whether or not I should blog about this. I feel silly sometimes that our story isn't as painful, or as long or as "whatever" as someone else. But, I have learned that no two journeys are the same and that's God's intention! So, I hope that maybe my realness will encourage you to be real in your struggles. I'm not looking for sympathy- I don't need it! I am thankful for my journey because Jesus is meeting me in it and making himself known to me in incredible ways through it.
For the past 7 months (8 cycles) God has given me an opportunity to trust Him ways I would never choose for myself or even have thought would be in my story. We got pregnant with MK the first month we tried, we are healthy and young... why wouldn't it happen right away for us again? I had friends getting pregnant left and right, it seemed to be in the water... why not me? 8 mornings over the past 7 months I have stood in the shower sobbing and crying out to the Lord "I don't understand why it's not time for us, but I trust you." My comfort is that I know that my God is for me, He loves me, and He wants the best for me. He is faithful- it's His character and He can't be anything different than who He is. He humbles me when He speaks to me in His word that I don't and can't understand His timing and His purpose... and maybe I never will. I am resting in Him today... but that's easier said than done. My mind is all over the place- "Why not this month? What could I have done differently? What can we try next month to give us a better chance? What's wrong with us?" I am trying my hardest to shut those thoughts out with one "His will, not mine." And when I say I'm struggling, I am hard core struggling. I am battling anger, bitterness, self-pity, jealousy. It's a hot mess up in my mind today but I am thankful that my God doesn't leave me in this struggle. Nope, He's right there in the middle constantly reminding me of his faithfulness. Thank you Lord!
So, there you go... a little dose of honestly today! This is me in all of my rawness and pain and uncertainty and insecurity. I know I am not alone in my struggle to trust in the Lord... maybe it's fertility, maybe it's finances or your marriage or your children or your job or an illness. Be real about where you are with the Lord, He already knows your thoughts and feelings, but He wants to hear you tell Him. He loves you and wants you to know His peace.
Love to you all... I promise I'll post something fun and not so serious soon!
K. Vog
We don't know each other but are facebook friends (thanks for Baylor) :-) I just wanted to thank you for writing this. My husband and I are also struggling to get pregnant and you're right, it is unbelievably difficult. We were pregnant back in 2011 but sadly lost the baby at 8 weeks. I have days when I feel hopeful, knowing I'll get pregnant again, and I have days wondering if God will ever give me a baby. I found your post encouraging knowing that there are others experiencing this trial along with me. Thanks again for you honesty, I think it's SO important for us to be vocal about things like this.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for your comment Stephanie! I am so so sorry for your lost. I can't imagine loosing a baby. I will be praying for you and your hubs and that the Lord will give you the desires of your heart, especially a precious baby! I love connecting with people who are in the same boat as me. It's not a fun club to be in, but it's nice to have others to encourage you in it!
DeleteLove,
Katy
I will be praying for you Katy. The Lord's timing is perfect, as painful as it may be :)
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteKaty,
ReplyDeleteIt's times like these where I'm so thankful to have a relationship with God. Situations like these can bring out anger and questioning, but at least we can lean on Christ and trust in His plans. Not saying that it's easy, though. :)
I hear your frustrations and I'm in the same boat. My husband and I decided I'd get off BCP and start using FAM after reading your post about it. I read TCOYF and we've been trying for several cycles now. I actually thought of you a few times and was so jealous that y'all got pregnant on the first cycle of TTC. I had the same questions: Why not us? What are we doing wrong? etc. But looking at the bigger picture just makes me see more of God's hand at work. We can try to do everything right but HE is the creator and HIS timing is perfect. Even though I know and trust that His plans are far better than my own, it's so hard sometimes to step back and let him take control and decide when a baby is right for us. I'll keep you in my prayers as I continue to pray for my own heart in this time of waiting.
Thanks for your honesty!
-Margaret